i hate my life...
It's been a long time since I've said that, and I can't remember the last time I actually felt that way. I'm sure it was within the past few months...a fleeting thought that combined the pent up feelings of lonliness and frustation at being in a city with no connections.
The thought strikes me at the most inopportune times. Tonight, as I was driving home from work, heading towards my tiny apartment buried in the basement of someone elses house, I realized that I have spent nearly every Friday night for the past year by myself. And then it compiled into practically every single day for the past year. Other than the weekends I spend at my parents house, I spend every day alone.
Yes, I have coworkers. I see alot of people at the gym. I pass hundreds of people on the road driving to and from work. And in this city of thousands, I have yet to find one connection. One person, male or female, who is looking for a friend. I don't have someone to call on the spur of the moment to catch a movie...to grab dinner and a drink after a long day at work...to sit at Starbucks and people watch...to share a pot of soup and good conversation....to share anything with me.
I used to think that it was the city of Richmond that I hated, but the city hasn't done anything to me. Now I know it's the people of Richmond that I hate, but only because they make me hate myself. They plant seeds of doubt, making me wonder why I'm not good enough to be accepted here.
At the age of 29, I suddenly find myself in the worlds largest high school...and I'm still the ugly fat girl that noone wants to be seen with.
The thought strikes me at the most inopportune times. Tonight, as I was driving home from work, heading towards my tiny apartment buried in the basement of someone elses house, I realized that I have spent nearly every Friday night for the past year by myself. And then it compiled into practically every single day for the past year. Other than the weekends I spend at my parents house, I spend every day alone.
Yes, I have coworkers. I see alot of people at the gym. I pass hundreds of people on the road driving to and from work. And in this city of thousands, I have yet to find one connection. One person, male or female, who is looking for a friend. I don't have someone to call on the spur of the moment to catch a movie...to grab dinner and a drink after a long day at work...to sit at Starbucks and people watch...to share a pot of soup and good conversation....to share anything with me.
I used to think that it was the city of Richmond that I hated, but the city hasn't done anything to me. Now I know it's the people of Richmond that I hate, but only because they make me hate myself. They plant seeds of doubt, making me wonder why I'm not good enough to be accepted here.
At the age of 29, I suddenly find myself in the worlds largest high school...and I'm still the ugly fat girl that noone wants to be seen with.
posted by ~ruthie @ 11:40 PM
4 Comments:
At 8:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
We still love you! Please don't hate your life. :)
At 2:23 PM,
Tee/Tracy said…
God, your post just seriously brought tears to my eyes. {{RUTHIE}}... I want to say, "Don't feel that way" - but obviously, no one WANTS to feel like that...I wish things would get better for you... Have you tried joining some kind of club or class or group? There's so many things out there... If you're kind of shy like me, I know it's so hard though - and I still have MANY days where I feel like the last line of your post... I just want to hug you and let you know it's going to be alright.
At 2:32 PM,
Tee/Tracy said…
By the way - you should join MySpace... There are a lot of single people who live in Richmond on there and it's free :)
At 3:48 PM,
Aisha said…
It's hard to make friends when you graduate college... I know a lot of people who feel the way you do, your experiene is normal though it doesnt make it easier.
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