Trials of Marriage
On Friday, November 4, my parents will celebrate their 32 year anniversary. In a world where marriage, love, and fidelity are taken for granted, they have lasted. I am happy that when I refer to my parents, I mean them together, collectively, as one entity united. I know that in this society, I am considered an oddity, being a child of marrige, not of divorce, or of wedlock. They did not live together before marriage. They both had very hard childhood experiences, and I believe, they were lucky to have found each other.
Marriage, as I have been told (and have observed) is VERY hard work. You don't always agree with each other. Religion, finances, in-laws, and a slew of other complications can wreak havoc on a marriage.
My brother, in search of the same lasting love and companionship that my parents share, recently celebrated his one year anniversary. A month before their anniversary, his wife walked away, and moved back in with her parents. My brother was devastated. He arranged counseling, he did things by her rules--don't call after 9pm, don't come see me because I don't want to see you, come see me but only if my parents are home, make sure to send roses to work for the anniversary, buy me this hugely expensive thing I don't need but which will prove that you love me, etc. A month after the anniversary, they are back together, though she has still to tell him why she left to begin with.
Marriage, above all, is a compromise. It means not having to attend every family function, but attending enough to be polite. It means splitting holidays between two sets of parents, and not isolating siblings. It means not changing who you are entirely, but becoming something more than what you were to begin with because a new dimension has been added.
It is not a secret that I do not harbor any goodwill towards the person that my brother has chosen to spend his life with. I would never tell him of my animosity towards her, or of her rude treatment of myself, or of my mother, because I know that it would drive him away even further than she has taken him.
At one time in my life, my brother and I were best friends. We played Barbie and GI Joe and Hot Wheels together. We had knock-down drag out fights that sometimes resulted in blood, but mostly bumps and bruises. When we were older, we were friends again. We shared pain and suffering when we lost grandparents, pets, and friends. And then he met HER, and life changed. Love is supossed to bring out the best in a person, but she brings out the worst in him.
This posting started out as a positive look at love and marriage, but I think that it's turned to the opposite. Sometimes the fairytale isn't all it's cracked up to be---and sometimes can be. It makes me simultaneously both love and hate being single. And it made me realize how much I miss my brother.
Marriage, as I have been told (and have observed) is VERY hard work. You don't always agree with each other. Religion, finances, in-laws, and a slew of other complications can wreak havoc on a marriage.
My brother, in search of the same lasting love and companionship that my parents share, recently celebrated his one year anniversary. A month before their anniversary, his wife walked away, and moved back in with her parents. My brother was devastated. He arranged counseling, he did things by her rules--don't call after 9pm, don't come see me because I don't want to see you, come see me but only if my parents are home, make sure to send roses to work for the anniversary, buy me this hugely expensive thing I don't need but which will prove that you love me, etc. A month after the anniversary, they are back together, though she has still to tell him why she left to begin with.
Marriage, above all, is a compromise. It means not having to attend every family function, but attending enough to be polite. It means splitting holidays between two sets of parents, and not isolating siblings. It means not changing who you are entirely, but becoming something more than what you were to begin with because a new dimension has been added.
It is not a secret that I do not harbor any goodwill towards the person that my brother has chosen to spend his life with. I would never tell him of my animosity towards her, or of her rude treatment of myself, or of my mother, because I know that it would drive him away even further than she has taken him.
At one time in my life, my brother and I were best friends. We played Barbie and GI Joe and Hot Wheels together. We had knock-down drag out fights that sometimes resulted in blood, but mostly bumps and bruises. When we were older, we were friends again. We shared pain and suffering when we lost grandparents, pets, and friends. And then he met HER, and life changed. Love is supossed to bring out the best in a person, but she brings out the worst in him.
This posting started out as a positive look at love and marriage, but I think that it's turned to the opposite. Sometimes the fairytale isn't all it's cracked up to be---and sometimes can be. It makes me simultaneously both love and hate being single. And it made me realize how much I miss my brother.
posted by ~ruthie @ 1:53 PM
2 Comments:
At 4:25 PM,
Aisha said…
reading this brings mixed emotions. On one hand I agree, marriage is hard hard work. It's worth it but its by no means easy. On the other hand I wonder about what you said about your brother and how she took him away from you and your mom. They dont say so anymore, but they used to say I did that... although it made no sense because he used to live with them and then we moved to MI... I didn't move him there, we moved there bceause of his job. So I guess because the marriage and the move coincided they felt i was somehow to blame. I dont know. It's a tough situation to balance everyone and everything. I'm sure that the specific facts of her situation are different than mine... but its a confusing place to be when you get married and alter dynamics that were already there. Interestingly, my parents and brothers dont feel that he "took me away from them" at all. I dont know. It's a complex issue I suppose.
At 10:41 AM,
Tee/Tracy said…
{{RUTHIE}}... That must be so hard to have "lost" him in a way - and to see him with this person who doesn't deserve him.
You're so wise about marriage. This will definitly give you a headstart for when you find the right man. I didn't know half of what you wrote when I got married. It is a struggle and a compromise and not many people know that going in.
Congrats to your parents. I'm also proud of my parents who have been together over 25 years and my grandparents who have been together almost 50 years... Truly an inspiration for the younger generations. I hope Carlos and I will be the same example for our children and grandchildren.
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